8th Floor Improv's Blog!

Who is in Washington?

Matt reflects on Obama’s recent trip to China.  We’re lucky there’s still a world here.

reallygoodwater:

According to my own news calculations, President Barack Obama is in China, Vice-President Joe Biden is in New York City, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Afghanistan.  Who is making decisions in Washington?

Cleaning the Oval Office is just the best part of my day. The free world is lead from this room, and I am the one who cleans it.

Oh hey sorry fellas, I will be finished cleaning in here in just a second.  Oops, hold on just a second, you have a fuzzy on your nice suit. Want me to wipe the smudges off those sunglasses? I don’t mind. Everybody gets smudges.  What’s that thing in your ear? That looks different than my hearing aid.

Slow down, slow down. You’re telling me I’m in charge?  I’m just the night maintenance man for this level of the White House! You should really talk to my boss, the Night Maintenance manager.  He got his arm stuck in a revolving door again?

Easy, easy, let me think. So if I say yes, then we will abandon our operatives in Azerbaijan. And if I say no, then I may be accountable for the lives of an entire village of people?  I vacuumed over the cord earlier tonight and I really have to—OW!

Well, I know that when you use a cleanser and it doesn’t work, you don’t want to add more cleanser to it because it might make the no-no fumes they gave us pamphlets about.  Does that help? OW! You should not be hitting the leader of the free world!

I do understand how stressful this situation is! Stop hitting me! You are getting blood stains on your white shirt! OW! Stop it! You are going to want to blot that with club soda! OW! Blot! Don’t rub! Ow! And wash it in warm water with bleach!

Never Too Soon

brittanybelland:

Too soon? I think not.

Brittany and Nemo bring the holiday spirit to 8th Floor’s logo.

Library Day at Oakland Elementary

Jess has some pent-up grade school rage.

thumbtackattack:

This is ridiculous. We get it, we get it. Couldn’t this whole fire safety presentation be summed up in “stop, drop, and roll”? And whose parents haven’t taught them the whole “check the door with the back of your hand to see if it’s hot first” trick? Really? Can’t the fire marshal just wrap it up already?

And of course the school always has to schedule something during the same time as library day. Mrs. Meyers has been killing me with these multiplication problems lately, is it too much to ask for a half hour where I don’t have to do anything except listen to a good story from the librarian?  If I miss the last 10 pages of Where the Red Fern Grows for this I am gonna be pissed. What happens to the dogs?! Thanks, Oakland City Fire Department, the last month of my library days have been a waste. I might as well have not even heard the first 150 pages if I don’t know what happens in the last 10!

What?! Were going to do more smoke drills?! Come on! The only one who doesn’t get it is Jenny, and she’s repeated the fourth grade three times! Wait, maybe she’ll get it this time…

For god sakes, Jenny! Go under the smoke! Oh, stop coughing, it’s only a fog machine!

Okay. There’s still 15 minutes left of library time. That should be just enough time to hear the end of the…Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! Stop, drop, and roll, Jenny! STOP, DROP, and ROLL!

In Honor of Beat Michigan Week!

brittanybelland:

I’m at the Thompson library, studying for my midterm, and there’s a man in here that is completely lost. He’s sitting at a study table, intently focused on his calculus book… decked out from head to toe in Wolverine clothing!  Now, I’m not usually a big promoter of rivalry, but this is clearly my call to duty to support my university! I will not stand for such treason!

Pssssst! Psssst! Hey! Hey you! Guy decked out in Michigan gear! What do you think you’re doing here?!

He’s ignoring me. I’ve got to move closer so he can hear me. I’ll move to the table next to him.

Pssst! Psssst!

Maybe he can’t hear me since I’m whispering…I’ll try snapping my fingers a few times, get his attention.

Guy! Michigan Guy! Who the heck do you think you are?! This is the home for the buckeyes! Why are you wearing a Michigan sweater?!

He glanced up quickly and then looked back at his book. Ooh I bet he’s nervous. And why shouldn’t he be? Supporting the Wolverines while surrounded by crazy nuts…I’d be nervous too.

That’s right! I’m talking to you! You in the blue and yellow jacket!

Hmm… no response…

Come on! Put up a fight! I’ll prove it to you that Buckeyes can be tough!!  Well, I mean the nuts. Clearly the students and football players are tough, but I don’t feel like I should have to clarify that. The nuts on the other hand, can be easily dented. One time, I put one in my purse and my wallet nearly smashed the nut into pieces.

Psssst! Psssst! Hey… Hey! Can you hear me?! Look, I’d really appreciate it if you’d take out your headphones; I’m clearly trying to talk to you.

What?  I don’t care if you’re trying to study! You’re supporting the rival team!

Oh sure…  And my mom bought this Tennessee sweater for me because she graduated from there. Yea, right. I’m not buying it kid!

Oh good, a Thompson library worker is approaching us… clearly distraught about the scene the traitor is making no doubt. Good, finally some reinforcements.

Oh good you’re here. Kick this guy out, he clearly doesn’t belong.

Me?!  I’m not being rude! I’m defending my home team!

Kick me out? Why?! For whispering?!  Yelling?! Oh I am not yelling I am speaking at a hushed tone at best.

You’ve got to be kidding me- this kid! This kid is wearing Wolverine clothes and using our books! You should be kicking him out!

Ban me from the library for the rest of the quarter? Okay. Fine. I’m going. But one last thing!

ANN ARBOR’S A BRAT!! HAHAHAHA!

What?  Well duh, I know that’s not the real saying but come on, we’re in a library, I don’t want to be rude.

Show Recap: BHN Complex

Thank you BHN students for coming out to see our show!  We loved seeing you all there (and I’m sure your RA’s did as well).

Remember all those fun memories we made?  Like those times when:

There were scary stories of romance, child abusity, 3rd world zunes, and so much more!

That was a lot of fun!  Can’t wait to see you guys again!

The Lantern: Advice to NASA, USDA, and President Obama

by Nate Varrone

Dear NASA, USDA and President Obama,

I am writing to you all based on your own ignorance. I am writing you to say that we could potentially end every major problem facing this country and the world.

First and foremost I will address you, NASA. Have you guys seriously not read “Jack and the Beanstalk?” There is literally a whole new world right above the lower troposphere! A giant world. With giants.  What the hell were you doing trying to send a man to the moon? You guys just missed it! You went too far! You drove your little “science ship” right through the solution! For once, stop and smell the roses NASA; the moon is of no importance to us.  A giant leap for mankind? Really, Neil? Really? That’s ironic because we are actually a midget’s leap away from witnessing a real giant leaping! Maybe if you would’ve spent a little less time on a triangle’s obtuse and more on “Mother Goose,” this wouldn’t be an issue.

Now I would like to address you, United States Department of Agriculture. Don’t think you’re going to get by so easily on this one! Are you seriously not aware that there is a bean in existence that can grow upwards of 20 kilometers? And the germination stage of this plant is literally an overnight process. Furthermore, what do giants eat? Giant food! We could end world hunger as we know it! How have you not invested any time into finding that weird guy who sold Jack those beans? No American should have to go through the pain of watching those sad commercials with the babies with really large stomachs; it just grosses me out every time. Oh, and you could combine forces with NASA to become the United States Department of Agriculture and Aeronautical Space Administration, the USDAASA! Your sole purpose would be to grow large vegetables to the outer limits of the universe. It’s just more logical and economical for everyone.

Finally, I would like to address you, President Obama. Mr. President, there is a giant chicken in the lower troposphere that lays giant golden eggs. Once found, this chicken will make the United States rich beyond its wildest dream and will in turn pay off the $11 trillion deficit that plagues this country. Mr. President, that chicken’s cloaca is worth upwards of $11 trillion.

In conclusion, I feel that you all are incredibly stupid for not figuring all this out yourselves. Oh, and I think that Shaquille O’Neal would be a lot happier in Cleveland if we found his real parents up there while we were at it.

Sincerely,
Breren Jarlz
P.S. You’re welcome, world.

Check out the column on The Lantern’s website.  Comment and spread the word!

The way I Assume my Parents Spoke as Youths

Ian has a brilliant theory.

haxzor:

“Hello there chick, I was hangin’ over yonder and my eyes pinned you. You seem to be a funky fox hanging loose over by this Model-T. I would enjoy the company of you going steady with me. You are the bees’ knees, real primo!”

“Why thank you, daddio. I too feel that. You are so tuff. I have witnessed you drag race before. Those are also some wicked threads that you are sporting.”

“I reciprocate the compliment. It was quite solid. Would you enjoy cruising to the boss-est Soda Shoppe in our village? Everything here is so square except for Soda Shoppes. I hate President Johnson for being so skuzz.”

“Indeed, I would garner much enjoyment from flipping President Johnson the bird. As for the Soda Shoppe, I will accompany you as long as you purchase for me exactly one phosphate. This sure sounds bitchin!”

“Right on, gnarly. The Old Man said I could have his whip until the night has reached mid, so let us lay some scratch. We will be hauling some serious ass, so watch your poodle skirt and saddle shoes.”

“I love this 8 track player in your four-banger. It is eclipsed only by the vinyl player on your dashboard. Shall I load up some of our favorite 45’s, such as Mr. Elvis Presley and the song ‘At the Hop’, which plays at all of the sock hops that we have?”

“Please do. Us Baby Boomers sure are rebelling with our rock and roll music. Oh no, a gang of greasers is blocking our path. Why, oh why, were they not drafted into the Vietnam War”?

“Hurrah! The fuzz, those pigs, have arrived to take them to the war. Praise be to President Johnson and his eternal war machine!”

“You’re so hip, baby. I’m so jazzed now. Let us make out. I’m going to pin you right here in my souped up car.”

“Neato!”

END

Show Recap: UCB TourCo.

We want to thank everyone who came out to The Upright Citizens Brigade TourCo. show!  We had a blast, and it seemed like you guys did too!  If you couldn’t make it out, here’s what you missed:

Thanks to Neil, Fran, Brandon, and Chelsea!

Also, check out www.ucbcomedy.com for some hilarious video sketches!

Show Summary: Wild Goose Creative

Here’s some shots from our show at the Wild Goose Creative’s comedy showcase, Blank Blank Party Time Excellent!

And you know what?  It WAS a party time that WAS most excellent!

We had a blast, and we hope to come out to the next show!